


Diaries of Irie Shouichi, 15 but maybe 25

by clockwork_spider



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Byakuran grows a conscience., Discussions of Morality, Drama, Fix-It, Friendship, Introspection, M/M, Moving On, Mutual Pining, People telling Byakuran how much he sucks., Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Time travel aftermath, discussion of religion, identity crisis, post-TYL, pseudo-philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:30:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockwork_spider/pseuds/clockwork_spider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear diary, I am in love with a sociopath evil dictator. Or rather, the future me was. The good news is, he's dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Irie Shouichi

**Author's Note:**

> Shouichi deals with his 10 years later memories, as well as the friend that could have been. Byakuran learns how having a conscience work. 
> 
> Mostly canon-compliant. I changed a few details to suit the need of the story.

Dear diary,  

I need to write all of this down, because I think I'm crazy.

I am in love with a sociopath evil dictator. Or rather, the future me was. The good news is, he's dead, and wiped out from every future timeline. I don't feel too bad about it, really. He almost killed me. 

I woke up with the memories of myself from 10 years later of a timeline that'll never happen. It's all very bizarre. I suppose I'm 25 now. I don't feel 25. I feel like the same nerdy kid with an overactive imagination who has just had an extended bad dream. 

It wasn't all bad though. My college days with Byakuran was the most fun I've ever had. Well... That I've yet to miss, I guess.  I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be like him. I need antacids. 

* * *

Dear diary,

I met Spanner today. 

My mechanical self-solving rubics cube won second place at Future Gadgets. Being called a genius is good for my ego. Is it plagiarism if you were inspired by your future self who will never exist? Probably not. It makes me a little nervous though, like I did something I'm not suppose to. 

Spanner got first place with his mini Mosca. We went out for ramen afterwards. He remembers me from the future, I'm not crazy. He still got that mad scientist vibe to him. He's a little weird, but we hit off as if we’ve known each other for years, I suppose we did. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole Mafia thing, but I wouldn't mind being friends with Spanner again, he's pretty cool.  

* * *

Dear diary, 

I received a letter from Byakuran. 

Byakuran is still alive. 

Fuck. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

AAHJKFSDAJKLFADSJHKDF  IS HE GOING TO DOMINATE THE WORLD AGAIN IT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE IT HE SAID HE IS ALLYING HIMSELF WITH TSUNA TO SAVE YUNI BUT I DON’T KNOW IF HE CAN BE TRUSTED OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OHAOSDFADSOFJS. 

Fuck. 

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Well... uh... I’m glad he’s still alive. 

Not that I was too eager to meet with him again, but I had to make sure. I had to make sure that all the effort and sacrifices in the future were not in vain, that he wasn’t there to kill Tsunayoshi-kun. 

Well, Yuni is still alive, just as he have said. He was the same as he always was, cheerful, all smiles. But… he was different. He was more like the person I knew from university. But I can not trust my judgement, or Byakuran. After all… at that time, he was already… 

Anyway. I need to keep watch of him. There’s no question in that. We won’t be deceived by him again. 

Yes, that’s what I need to do. 

* * *

Dear diary,

When I arrived at the battlefield, he was hardly breathing. I might have had a panic attack. 

As ironic as the situation is, I couldn't have let him die. After spending months of my life trying to get him killed, I felt like I couldn't let him die. It wasn't just my obligation to Yuni. I don't want him in my life, yet I couldn't stand the thought of him disappearing from the world again.

He seemed like he was glad to see me. Called me "Shou-chan" like he knew me. I thought about the thousands of times he called me that, and I couldn’t answer him. I don’t know what to say to him. 

I don't really care how he thinks of me at this point. It doesn't really matter. I've seen how he treats people who are loyal to him. I don't want to be like Genkishi. 

* * *

Dear diaries. 

Maybe I'm less interested in Byakuran as I am interested in my future self. Shouichi the double agent, with a singular goal and purpose in life. A coward like me who risked his life everyday to save the world. A fool who gave everything he had to play on the same playing field as Byakuran-san. 

To be honest, I miss being future me. I miss what Byakuran-san inspired in me, the person he forced me to become. I miss playing Choice against Byakuran. I miss the confident me who's used to fearing for his life. 

I’m glad that future would never be real, yet I fear for the possibility of loosing the opportunity to become the other me. 

Byakuran-san is safe, I shouldn’t be so relieved.  

* * *

“Shou-chan,” Shouichi face is the first thing he sees when he comes to. It bares the same green eyes, same messy mob of red hair. His friend looks so much younger. Well, he suppose they’re both younger. 

“Byakuran-san… You’re awake!” _Ah, but of course._

Relief was interrupted by a familiar wariness. The redhead looked away. 

Byakuran smiled. 

“Shou-chan, you saved me, thank you,” Byakuran reached out, he’s been looking forward to this reunion since his memories came back. He’s fond of Shou-chan. Shou-chan is a dear friend. 

His friend recoiled as if burnt. 

“Not Shou-chan,” his friend said curtly, voice cold, “we’re not there yet. Please, Byakuran-san, call me Irie.” There were black circles around Shouichi’s eyes.

_ Ah, but of course.  _

“Of course… I’m sorry, Irie-kun." 

* * *

Dear diary, 

Byakuran asked me out on a date. Despite what people assumed, we never dated in that future. I was too awkward to ask him out, and before we knew it, he was too busy with world domination, and I was too busy playing double agent. I wonder if one future me, the one I forgot about, asked him out. That'd have been messed up. 

I said no. Genkishi's death still haunts my dreams. He asked if he can ask again next time we meet, I asked if I can punch him. He said sure. I didn't punch him. I didn't want to get in trouble with the hospital. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a big fan of 10051 where Shouichi calls the shots for the relationship. I think it's possible, since Shouichi is no longer undercover he doesn't have to pretend to put up with Byakuran's shit anymore. And knowing what Byakuran is like, he wouldn't put up with emotional manipulation either. 
> 
> I don't want to sound too desperate but if you wanna discuss the fic or post-TYL headcanons please comment! I have an ocean of stuff to rant about.


	2. Byakuran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuran learns how having a conscience works.

Dear Diary,

He told me that he really likes me. Said that he enjoyed playing choice with me.

"I know what I did was wrong, but at the time, it was fun. I don't want such things to happen again, but I still enjoy your presence, and I wish to get to know you again." was what he said. 

Fun.

_ Fun. _

IT WAS FUN. 

Well I mean... We both knew he's a sociopath. At least he's honest about it. I asked him if it was fun when he commanded Kikyo to kill me. 

"You were trying so hard, and you did so well. At the time, I felt that it'd have been rude to spare you."

I don't even know what to say. 

People are not toys, Byakuran. They're not created to serve as means to entertain you! You can't throw them away when they are no longer fun. You can't just kill me to prove you're better. You can't just sit in your throne and enjoy my struggles. That's not how it works. I value my life! That's not how it fucking works. 

That's the difference between us. Even after all that, it hurts me to see him die. It hurts me to know I was responsible, even if he deserved it. It was HARD for me to betray him, because I liked him. I cared for his well being and I wanted to trust him. But all he cares about is my ability to entertain him.  

 

 

* * *

“Hey,” Kikyo called out to Irie Shouichi, the friend of his friend, “I need to talk to you.” 

“Yes?” The redhead answered, overly cautious, and rightfully so. 

“Hey, relax. I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassured, trying to use a calming tone. Irie doesn’t seem convinced. Nevertheless, out of politeness, perhaps, he stopped looking for an opportunity to escape. Kikyo sighed. 

“It’s about Byakuran-sama. He’s been getting himself injured just to see you.” 

“What?”

“I think you should talk to him."

“Why would anyone be so stupid?” Irie snapped, then, caught off-guard by his own forwardness, shut his mouth in panic. Kikyo isn’t sure whether he should sigh or chuckle. 

"I’m not sure how much you’re aware of it, but you’re important to Byakuran-sama." 

* * *

Byakuran was snacking on a bag of delicious marshmallows when Shouichi came in and sat down right beside his hospital bed. 

His friend snatched away the bag of marshmallows from his hand. 

“Hey there, Irie-kun!” Shouchi looks really… serious, and a little angry. Byakuran can’t seem to shake off the sense of forbodding. 

“Kikyo told me you’ve been trying to get yourself killed so you can see me. Explain.”

“Ah… so I’ve been found out!” Byakuran grinned, without a hint of guilt, “I didn’t expect Kikyo to run his mouth like that. Kikyo’s so mean. I told him not to tell you, too!”

The glare did not leave Shouichi's face. He must be really mad. Byakuran doesn't mind this. 

“Well… you only come and visit me when I’m injured,” Byakuran pouts strategically. Pouting have shown to help in certain occasions, and Byakuran hope that this is one of them. 

“So you decide to use your own life as a hostage?” Irie raised his voice, comedically, it cracked. Byakuran suppressed his laughter. Though Shou-chan's anger is amusing, Yuni have told him it's mean to push people's buttons. 

“Listen. I really really like you, Irie-kun. The times where I played Choice against you were the best time of my future self’s life. I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing you again," he answered honestly, and watched as Shouichi's face contorts in a series of expressions. Surprise, confusion, disgust, distraught, anger.  The sight is familiar, yet alien. Shou-chan had never looked this young in his mind before. It’s strange, connecting the older man in his memories with the teen in front of him. Frightening, even. 

Fear... that's new. 

"I know what future me did was wrong," Byakuran protest, because there have to be something he can do to save this, "but at the time, he… I thought it was fun. I don't want such things to happen again, but I still enjoy your presence, and I wish to get to know you again."

“Fun?” Shouichi’s voice have gone strangely quiet, his expression blank. Byakuran recognize the expression from the future, it's the one where Shouichi's trying to make up his mind. 

“Tell me, Byakuran-kun, was it fun when you told Kikyo-san to kill me?” Shouichi’s voice was eerily calm, his eyes bore right into Byakuran's own. 

He could lie, it could be easier. 

“It was… regrettable,” he doesn’t, because he knew, the moment he lies to Irie-kun, it’s all over. Everything he knows about Irie Shouichi is telling him, ‘you can’t lie right now.’ “But the future me… well, he thought it was the best thing to do. You were trying so hard, and you did so well. At the time, I felt that it'd have been rude to spare you.” 

Deafening silence followed as Shouichi processed the information. It felt like an execution. 

“And I suppose it was the same with Genkishi,” Shou-chan brought a hand to his temple, it was the future Shou-chan talking, the one he knew for years. “People are not toys, Byakuran-san! You can’t just keep them around to entertain you. And you can’t just kill me because I’ve served my purpose and then EXPECT ME TO COME BACK TO YOU. You have no right to sit back and enjoy other people’s struggles.”

“I liked you too, Byakuran! I CARED about you even knowing that you’re thoroughly evil and heartless and it HURTS to betray your trust and it hurts to watch you die and it hurts to know that I’m responsible and every time you’re in here it reminds me that I can lose you again. THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS FOR A NORMAL PERSON TO LIKE ANOTHER PERSON!” And by this point Shou-chan is pinning him to the wall and he’s seeing stars and Shou-chan is so close. So close. And all Byakuran can think about at the moment is how it’s cute how Shou-chan’s voice cracks when he’s angry and how he missed this, he miss this, he'll miss this. 

Kikyo rushed in and pinned Shou-chan to the ground. 

“That’s enough,” Kikyo said. He didn’t have to do that. He shouldn’t have to be so rough with Irie-kun. Byakuran can handle himself just fine. 

The pretty nurse came in and scolded them for the commotion. Shouichi excused himself after a few apologies, and all Byakuran can think of is, 'what if this really is the last time they'll ever speak to each other again?'

“Hey, Kikyo-chan, I think Irie-kun’s really angry at me.”

“You think?”

“...Hey, Kikyo-chan, does it hurt you to see me hurt?”

A sigh. “Of course, Byakuran-sama.”

“Are you angry with me, Kikyo-chan?”

“A little,” the green haired teen knelt down, so that he’s at the same eye-level as his former boss. 

“I see… I’m sorry, Kikyo.” 

A sigh, and a tired smile. “It’s alright, Byakuran."


	3. Flowers, Blood, and Pepper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear diary,  
> Byakuran is now a fan of Blood and Pepper. Now I know, if he once again decide to destroy the world, at least my favorite band would be safe.

Dear diary, 

Kikyo called today, and thanked me. Truth be told, every time he speak to me my stomach still hurts. He sort of almost killed me once, under Byakuran’s order. I don't really blame him for it but... It's not comfortable to be around someone who almost killed me. 

Anyway, I didn’t expect him to thank me for shouting at Byakuran. I still can’t read him at all. He and Byakuran both have this unreadable smile that make it hard to guess what they’re thinking. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. 

Byakuran has, thankfully, stop injuring himself. We still haven’t really spoke to each other since then, but I got these flowers sent to me which my sister won’t stop teasing me about. Yellow roses, friendship, apology, undying love, and betrayal. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

I got more flowers, once a week. White roses, for humility. Rue, for regret. Forget-me-nots, for passive aggressive reminders. White Tulips, a fresh start. None of them come with a note aside from the fact it’s addressed to me

By now, my family have met every single one of the Funeral Wreaths, and they’ve been giving me weird looks. My sister has started hitting on Zakuro. Since girls don't send boys flowers, she's been trying to guess what kind of dashing gentleman Byakuran is, and why he's head-over-heels over lil' ol' me. Dashing gentleman my ass. 

Well... at least it saves the trouble of coming out to my parents. 

This last one is a white clover. Picked from the wild, no doubt. It means promise. 

It’s not that I really hold a grudge against Byakuran. It was a future that never happened, so it’s not really his fault. But our nature are decisively different. In any case, knowing that he likes (liked?) me... I don't know. I'm not ready for this. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

I ran into Byakuran at school. Apparently Yuni is staying in Japan indefinitely, which means so is he. Augh.

Thankfully, he's not in my class. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop him from finding my class. He left me a yellow rose in my locker. From my future knowledge I know it means friendship, but it was rather misleading for everyone else. I threw it in the trash, where it belongs, and was called "savage" by my classmates. To be honest I regret not setting it on fire, I don't care if I would get in trouble for it, it would have been worth it. 

This is my life now. Randomly finding flowers from my future not-crush. He's going to harass me into talking to him again with flowers. Who does that? Only Byakuran. 

Anyway, we had a chance to talk at lunch. I told him that I don't hate him, so he can stop sending me flowers already. Neither of us are our future selves, so we shouldn't really cling onto their friendship or their hatred. 

Sociopathy aside, I find the current Byakuran quite likable. He has always been likable. I do miss being friends with him. Always had. And I've missed him for the past few weeks and I know I'll keep missing him for the rest of my life if I cut him off. 

We chatted about that level he couldn't get pass on Final Fantasy XIV and new updates of "My Sister is Not a Future Overlord". He gossiped about Yuni and Gamma's domestic life. I'm glad she's doing well. He asked me to help him with math. 

All the sleepless nights where we discussed god and morality and ethics, I suppose that's one more thing I'll have to miss. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

Blood and Pepper is the best of rock n' roll. This is not up to debate. Period. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

I have... A lot of regret.

Byakuran bought me two tickets to Blood and Pepper concert. "For you and Spanner."

It was front and center. I asked if he got the ticket legally, because last time I checked, it was all sold out. He told me Kikyo part-times as a model for their agency. I have mixed feelings about this brand new information. 

I refused, I didn't want him to buy my trust. 

I refused ticket to Blood and Pepper. 

Life is not fair. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

Byakuran is now a fan of Blood and Pepper. Now I know, if he once again decide to destroy the world, at least my favorite band would be safe. 

I still have regrets. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

I had this dream. 

I was at MacDonald with Byakuran and Spanner. Spanner left early, so Byakuran and I were the only ones left. We were talking about god knows what, and then Byakuran asked to play a game of choice. I said sure, and we were in my dorm at my university. He told me he really liked me, and asked if we'd be friends forever. I told him that I don't believe in forever, but I could try. Dream me is stupid. 

Suddenly we're no longer kids, and we're playing another Choice. Except this time, I wasn't against him. I was by his side, sword in hand. But I failed. 

"That's too bad, Gen-chan," Byakuran said, in that smooth singsong voice of his, I could hear the hint of laughter. I was no longer Irie Shouichi, but Genkishi. Kikyo was there. "I'm about to kill your old friend. Is that okay with you, Byakuran-sama?" I could hear Byakuran's laugh as vines and flowers bursted from my body. 

* * *

“Did you like Genkishi?” Shouichi asked, out of the blues, in the middle of a chemistry tutoring session. The strawberry cookies have suddenly lost its taste in Byakuran’s mouth. There it was again. Fear. 

"Don't lie,” his friend warned. It's a promise. The moment one of them lie to the other, it's over. 

"No,” Byakuran's smile faded, "he was... Convenient.” His throat felt dry. He doesn’t understand this new sinking feeling in his stomach, or the sudden loudness of the fan. Irie-kun was silent. 

"That's cruel, Byakuran-san. He worshipped you."

"It's the truth," he shrugged, forcing his shoulders to roll in a relaxed manner. 

“So you liked a traitor, but didn’t care for a devote,” Irie-kun mused, “poor Genkishi.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have yet to see a 10051 fic where Shouichi addressed the Genkishi thing. I feel like he would. It's reflective of how Byakuran actually treats people who are loyal to him, and Shouichi would definitely pick that up.  
> I have more Genkishi drama planned.


	4. Genkishi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There has never been this many traitors on the same rooftop._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter went on a slight Byakuran/Genkishi tangent... I went a bit overboard. But enjoy Genkishi telling Byakuran how much he sucks.

 

Dear diary, 

Fate has, once again, given Byakuran a second chance. It seems like the universe always bend in his favor. 

Yuni came to him with a request to talk to Genkishi. I didn't think I'd hear the name again so soon.

We found Genkishi on the rooftop. Truth be told, this was none of my business. Still I urged Byakuran to go, and I followed them. I can see Genkishi in myself, an offshot future where I blindly followed Byakuran, abandoning common sense and morality. And ever so often, I think, "this is how I'd end up if I start to trust him". Perhaps I needed a sense of closure, for a future that never happened. 

* * *

There has never been this many traitors on the same rooftop. 

"It's a nice view from here, isn't it, Gen-chan?" The sweet voice of Byakuran rang out, seemingly nonchalant.

In fear of agitating the former Phantom Knight, Shouichi has taken to hide a few meters behind. Kikyo and the Funeral Wreaths were instructed specifically not to come. 

"Byakuran-sama?" the phantom knight blinked with a confounded expression, unsure whether he's dreaming. 

"I always liked high places," Byakuran chimed, as he plop down on the edge of the rooftop, swinging his feet in the air dangerously. Shouichi would have been worried, if not for the fact that Byakuran could fly. "Though if you're thinking of taking your life, I have to disapprove! I still have one last mission to give you." 

"You condemned me to die," Genkishi said, more calmly than any of them would have expected, "my usefulness ran out."

"Am I of use to you again?"

There was a pause. A rare sight, Byakuran stumped for an answer. Why did he expect Genkishi to remain the same, Shouichi wonders, having orchestrated what happened. 

"I waited for you, Byakuran-sama. I waited for you to come for me, to tell me that Kikyo had betrayed your trust. But you never came," Genkishi's voice raised, his words choking, "I spent days thinking, what did I do wrong?" 

A brief but deafening silence followed. 

"You must think I'm so stupid," Genkishi laughed, it was a hollow sound. 

"You know, Gen-chan, I told you a lot of lies before, but recently I made a promise to stop doing that," Byakuran scratched his head. "The only thing you did wrong was trusting me." 

"I was told that... To care about someone, I'd have to share their pain. I can't do that, I tried, but I just can't," he chuckled slightly, it was airy and hesitant, entirely inappropriate, and utterly sincere, "see, the other me, your god from the future, he didn't mind if you sacrifice yourself for him, expected it, even." 

"But I don't want the same from you. I can't share your pain, but I'm trying to be a good person now, so the least I can do is to hope you do well for yourself."

The former Phantom Knight stared.

"Byakuran-sama, you're a selfish person," he finally said, his tone more of a neutral realization than an accusation. 

"I am, and so are you," Byakuran smiled, proud and full of promise, "I can't always be there for you when you need me. I won't make anymore false promises."

Genkishi opened his mouth, but no words came out, even from his vantage point, Shouichi can see the teen's face contort with confusion and despair. Slowly, as if in a daze, Genkishi took a few steps towards the ledge. 

He needed to intervene.

Byakuran tilted his head, blinked twice, and spoke before Shouichi had the chance to tell him to shut up.

"Neh, Gen-chan, let's fly." The smile was clear, and bright as sunshine, as Byakuran leap off the building.

Without hesitation, Genkishi dove right after. 

Within seconds, the two were up in the sky again. White wings flapping, Byakuran's arms wrapped tightly around Genkishi's torso. Byakuran was laughing. Genkishi was crying. Shouichi, spectating all this, was too shocked for words. 

"You saved me, Gen-chan," Byakuran patted the older teen on the head, after setting him down on the rooftop. 

Traumatized from almost losing Byakuran again, Genkishi temporarily lost the ability to formulate words, as well as the ability to stand. His hand, guided by Byakuran's, was placed upon his own chest. 

Thump, thump, thump. The sound was louder than any drum. 

"Do you feel that, Gen-chan? That's what it means to live." With both hands, Byakuran pulled Genkishi up to a standing position. 

"One last mission, Gen-chan," the former god, now boy, smiled sweetly, "you have to live for yourself. And I mean really live. Learn to enjoy life! Have fun!" 

He paused a little, letting the message soak in. 

"Because I can't be that person you live for.”

With that, Byakuran got down on his knees. 

"Genkishi, you deserved better than how I treated you. I'm sorry."

* * *

Anyway, I'd say the meeting went well, if jumping down the rooftop and scaring the life out of your emotionally unstable former lieutenant is the definition of going well. 

What on earth made him think that was okay? Sometimes I wonder if Byakuran's mind, his brilliant insane mind, full of thousands of universe worth of memories, is actually full of marshmallows and flowers. That would explain things. 

But what do I know about Genkishi. He function on a complete different level than I do. And... For some reason, it worked. I guess now Genkishi won't try to kill himself anymore. I'm happy for them. It seems like they'll work it out... 

Was I... Was that how I look like to Byakuran? I wonder. I know this sounds kind of mean... But I hope I was never that desperate. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Sorry, this Genkishi interlude turned out kind of long... However, I felt like this tangent was completely necessary. Shouichi, a guarded person with trust issues, would probably never trust Byakuran unless he see Byakuran fix this particular mess. Byakuran would not grow as a person if he doesn't fix the people he ruined. 
> 
> Also... I just... I really really need Genkishi calling Byakuran out on his shit.
> 
> I know there was an opportunity to include Yuni in this chapter, but truth be told... I don't know how to write her in. She's too powerful, emotionally, and would fix everything for Byakuran. And of course, I want Byakuran to get a slap on the wrist, not a pat on the head. 
> 
> Next chapter is more focused on Shouichi and Kikyo.


	5. Kikyo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Think of it as me owing you a favor for maiming you in the future. You get a one day free pass for awkward personal questions, then we can go back to being strangers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kikyo and Shouichi discuss Byakuran, morality, and faith. Mentions of religion and atheism. The views of the characters are not representative of the views of the author.

Dear diary, 

I had a talk with Kikyo today.

* * *

"You had the look, like you want to talk to me, ever since Genkishi. What is it?" The green haired teen asked, sipping his McDonald coffee with a casual elegance.

"Uh," Shouichi said, unsure whether it was safe to venture into this uncharted territory, "sorry about that. It's nothing you should be concerned about." He and Kikyo are not friends. Though Kikyo seem the most sane amongst Byakuran's followers, he'd still like to avoid conflicts of faith with someone who shot him through the stomach in another life. 

"Think of it as me owing you a favor for maiming you in the future. You get a one day free pass for awkward personal questions, then we can go back to being strangers." Knife sharp wit, delivered with a cryptic smile. How exactly did someone like this end up as a Byakuran follower?

"Ah..." Shouichi suppose he might as well ask, instead of wondering about it forever. "This involves the other future. If this gets too personal, feel free to just walk out and forget everything I'm about to say."

"Try me," Kikyo gave him an encouraging smile. Like Byakuran, this Kikyo also felt different. He's calmer, and more carefree. 

After staring at his coffee for another moment or two, Shouichi opened his mouth, "Why did you decide to devote yourself to Byakuran? I mean, I could understand someone like Genkishi, but..." The implied question being, 'how can someone who seem at least marginally sensible devote themselves to a psychopathic dictator who doesn't give a shit for their subordinate's lives.' 

Kikyo's eyes narrowed dangerously, and Shouichi thought 'shit' and prepared to apologize and pretend this conversation never happened. But then the older teen laughed. "I've expected as much."  
Enjoys intimidating people for fun, another trait this guy shares with Byakuran. Shouichi felt bad for the other Funeral Wreaths. 

"You want to know why I remained loyal even after carrying out the order to kill Genkishi, yes?" A wistful chuckle, "we all had our reasons, but for me, I knew he'd throw us away someday, killing Genkishi didn't change anything." 

Something between "what" and "why" slipped out of Shouichi's mouth, it turned into something like "White?" And Shouichi just stared incredulously, too confounded to be awkward about his slip of tongue. This got another laugh out of Kikyo. 

"It's a difference in priority." 

"I don't understand." 

Kikyo shrugged, changing the topic, "What about you? Why did you betray him? He was your friend, wasn't he?" This chat is quickly turning into an interrogation, and not from Shouichi's side. 

"Not if he slaughters millions of innocents."

"But you still liked him. You said so yourself. The millions of innocents, they're just numbers. Was the nameless crowds more important than your best friend?" 

"That's not even remotely comparable."

"There we go then, a difference in priority. Byakuran's was on world domination, Genkishi's and mine were on Byakuran, and yours was on stopping him." 

_It still doesn't make sense._

"Let's suppose you don't care about the millions of innocents killed. Why would you prioritize someone who doesn't care about you?"

Kikyo paused, he contemplates as he played with a french fry in his hands.

"Irie-kun, you're an atheist, aren't you?" Another sudden shift in topic, throwing Shouichi completely off guard. 

"What does that even have to do with this?" 

"People don't believe in god because they know he is caring or righteous. People believe in god because they need something to believe in," Kikyo continued, putting the french fry in his mouth, "The Byakuran of the future was more like the devil, nevertheless he was still a religion." 

"But you," Kikyo pointed a french fry at Shouichi, "you don't believe in absolute power. You'd shake your fist at God and die fighting."

A period of silence folllowed as Shouichi stared at his coffee. Trying to figure out what to make of Kikyo's logic. It make some sort of sense, in a twisted way. "But if you realized this-"

"The Funeral Wreath," Kikyo interrupted, expression solemn, "they were my family. Our faith in Byakuran was what held us together."

Shouichi almost felt sorry for the man then, almost. "And look where that got you," he said, a bit vindictively. 

Kikyo looked like someone had just slapped him, and Shouichi can't help but notice how YOUNG the guy look right now. 

"Sorry," Shouichi apologized, feeling a bit guilty, "it wasn't really you."

Kikyo shrugged, taking a long sip from his coffee to cover his face with the coffee cup, "The other me was not as sensible as you've given him credit for."

"The other me, he didn't like the other you too much," the elder teen continued, "but he didn't kill you. You were the only one who saw Byakuran as a human, not a monster, a god, or an abstract concept. You were what's left of his connection to humanity."

A pause. 

"Thank you," the older teen said slowly, looked up and smiled. Hopeful gaze, begging, humble but knife sharp, filled with expectations. _Please continue to be that person for him._

Shouichi felt his stomach churn under the weight of the gaze. "I think we should go back to being strangers now, Kikyo-san."

He took a large gulp from his coffee, it's cold. 

* * *

I think I understand their devotion to Byakuran now, just slightly. I'm not sure whether I want to anymore. 

He expect me to keep Byakuran human. That's not fair. All my counterpart's life has been spent following the instructions of his future. Give up music. Go overseas. Befriend Byakuran. Be a double agent. Give your life to stop him. 

I like Byakuran. I want to like him as a normal person. I want to be his friend, not his anchor to humanity. I want to live for myself. 

But I also don't want to forget the memories from that future. I don't want to give up my other self. My miserable, but heroic other self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters seem to be getting longer and longer. Which means I will have to go back to the beginning to re-write things when I finish.  
> I found Kikyo's doggish loyalty to future Byakuran inconsistent with his seemingly sensible portrayal. So I tried to came up with a plausible mental model for him to function. 
> 
> I hope that both of them are still in-character. I get carried away writing characters discussing pseudo-philosophy.


	6. Irie Shouichi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hi, my name is Byakuran," he stood up, "and how may I adress you?"
> 
> "Hello Byakuran, I'm Irie Shouichi."

"Hello, Byakuran?"

"Shou-chan?" The voice on the other side of the phone sounded dazed, like the owner had just woke up, "hmm... Sorry... Irie-kun." 

"Ah... Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time, Byakuran?" Shouichi asked. It's almost 10, but it is also a Saturday.

"No, no, it's fine, Irie-kun. Is something the matter?" Byakuran's voice was filled with curiosity, Shouichi doesn't call him very often. 

"I uh. I just want to let you know that... I don't regret fighting against you in that other universe. If you tries to take over the world again, I will still do whatever it takes to stop you." He took a deep breath. "However, I don't blame you for what you haven't done."

Silence followed. The clock ticked impatiently. The watercooler made an awkward gurgling noise.

"Do you want to go for coffee?" Byakuran asked.

"Sure," Shouichi answered, "that would be nice."

* * *

They talked about light novels and video games, and science news and rock n' roll, everything beautiful and good and normal, but nothing is real. 

"I won't regret what I haven't done either. But thank you, for stopping the future me," Byakuran suddenly interrupted him in the middle of a rock n' roll rant. 

It caught him a bit off guard, but Shouichi caught on, because he's been waiting for this. 

"Good," Shouichi answered, scratching the back of his neck, "um... You're welcome, I guess. I didn't really do anything, though, but I'm sure the future me would appreciate that."

"Hey, Irie. What do you say if we start over?" There's this serious determined gleam in Byakuran's eyes. 

"Huh?" Shouichi tensed, taking a quick check around to see whether there's a roof to jump off of. Thankfully, they're on first floor. 

Byakuran smiled reassuringly. It shouldn't feel reassuring at all, but the smile looked sane. 

"Hi, my name is Byakuran," he stood up, "and how may I adress you?"

Shouichi stared at the hand, he know what's going to happen. He understand Byakuran's obsession with symbolic gestures and theatrics. It seems a bit cheap, to start over with an act. He stood up anyway. 

"Hello Byakuran, I'm Irie Shouichi." 

"Irie-kun, it's a pleasure to finally meet you," Byakuran extended his hand, smile bright as the sun. 

"It's nice to meet you too, Byakuran-kun," Irie Shouichi claps the extended hand in his own. It was a firm handshake. Warm. He returned the smile.

Symbolic first meeting. It's a rather cheap trick. Even still, it felt like a restart. 

* * *

Dear diary, 

Not too long ago, I was less interested in Byakuran as a person than I was interested in him as a possibility. He was a connection to a future me, whom I equally pity and aspire to be. Like the other Kikyo and Genkishi, I saw Byakuran as something he never was, and never will be. 

Today, I met Byakuran. The current Byakuran, for perhaps the first time. A human, not an idea. 

That is not to say we're completely divorced from that future. It's likely that I will never trust him completely, probably for the best. Perhaps we'll never be in love again. Perhaps we'll never play Choice again. That's alright with me. 

I made a friend named Byakuran. The good news is, he's still alive.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished. Review welcome. I felt like there are parts I need to work on, but I got a writer's block at the end here and lost momentum. Anyway, thanks for reading, everyone. If anyone have thoughts on this, talk to me, it'll give me a motivation to wrap this up properly.


End file.
